Have you ever felt like you’ve lost yourself in the noise of societal expectations?
As I sat in the silence of my procrastination, no distractions, ADHD relaxing sounds on my headphones, I started thinking where did it start?
I cannot say that I was always a really organized, decisive, and disciplined person. Donโt get me wrong, in fact, I was pretty chaotic in terms of time. But while there were too many hobbies to keep up with, I was focused on one at a time. If I started something, I would always finish it.
Now I am numb, no emotions…no motivation…no reason to get out of bed in the morning…chronic pain and anxiety…what can I say? Lately, I decided to stop complaining and it really made a change lol…but how can I fix it?
Therapy didnโt work for me, and everyone is focused on healing the symptoms…But I prefer to find the illness in the first place, then maybe all the symptoms will be cured on its own…So, how did it start?
There is a quote from Charles Bukowski that says: “Do you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”. And thinking about that kind of made me find the answer. I used to be decisive. If I started something, I had to finish it.
I was obsessed with my homework, like I didnโt want to forget anything in OCD levels (not the one that everyone romanticizes). I didnโt really care about my grades. I wanted to do well, but I still learned only as much as I enjoyed and nothing more. I had a perfect memory, Sherlock Holmes style but with actions and not physical details.
I liked learning new languages, writing, reading, drawing, even though they were not so disciplined because of my undiagnosed ADHD. And one voice stuck in my head, asking “For what? Why would you want that?”. Even though I knew for what, I still kind of craved validation. People obsessing over the lack of money that something would bring in the future, or that there is no value in it.
Slowly, I descended into procrastination, only a phone in my hand all the time. Still trying to crawl my feelings into art, even if there were some praises on it, the other part was stronger, and slowly, quite slowly I descended into nothing. Numbness…
And now I am in a world where I need everything I could do for emotional gain and also money, since the world is changing and these things make you grow. They told me how I should be, what I should do, what I would want, in life, in myself, in my friends, in my partner.
I lost every talent, all those “friends” gave me emotional and social trauma, and the search for a partner in an instinctive way has made me tired, so tired that when I found the perfect one for me, I still struggled and couldnโt give him the life he deserves.
All this anxiety, pressure, negativity, obsession, and fear, for what? For now to be afraid for all that I have lost and for the age I am and cannot recover? They always said that when I have kids, I wouldnโt have time for anything, and still took away everything I enjoyed. Talk about the future, the fact that I should go out and enjoy life, still blocks me.
Does it even matter what I want? I have forgotten that too…for, as Nietzsche said, when you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.
So, what small step can you take today to reconnect with what brings you joy?
